Marriages: No combination is safe

When you marry for love as against the arranged marriage circuit, something changes forever as far as parents (both sides) are concerned. Whether that change is for good or bad, you don't realize it until you are married.

My very close friend from college fell in love with her colleague at work and both decided to get married. Boy comes from a rich Bihari-business class background and my friend hails from a traditional, middle-class South-Indian Brahmin family. While parents agreed to the match (rather reluctantly, as I witnessed the wedding and the ceremony didn't quite strike me as a usual happy-mad-rushed event that most Indian marriages are).

Two years later, I get a call from my friend -- now settled in Gurgaon along with her in-laws. (Let's call her Mrs F)

Once the formalities were over, Mrs F launches into a tirade. Here's the grammatically correct version of my telephonic but psychiatric session with her.

Mrs F: I am telling you never get into an inter-caste, inter regional marriage.

Me: Er...Why do you say so?

Mrs F: Arey, there are just too many issues. The mother-in-law has changed for worse and continues to evolve. I can live with the fact that she doesn't want to embrace me as her daughter-in-law but she can at least give it a shot, since we all are living together in the same house.

Me: Hmm...sure sure.

Mrs F: You know what an inter-faith marriage begins with the decision to love. It is a decision that immediately put us (the couple) outside the traditional system which was followed by my MIL and father-in-law.

Me: Hmm...

Mrs F: But I am at my wits end when I have to handle a controlling and manipulative MIL.

Me: So, what do you do

Mrs F: One way of dealing with this, or so I thought, was to let my husband know she upsets me and that he should handle the situation since he's closer to his mother.

Me: Did that work?

Mrs F: No. Well, not every time. She would like to see me cook meats and I cant (pardon my south-indian upbringing), then complains day-long to whoever would listen on how much work she has to do. One dish and she's all upset. Not that I order her to cook meals but since I am vegetarian.. cant she acknowledge the fact and back off? Then again, my husband can stand up for me once,twice, thrice...but she does this on a regular basis and poor man has no energy to invest after 14 hours at work. So, I am the one who has to make do with her complaints -- ranging from the tadka I give in daal to the shape of chapatis! MIL seems to never smile at my efforts.

Me: That does sound a bit too much. She does this regularly?

Mrs F: Don't ask re. Just last weekend, she complained of a hip ache and refused to get up from the bed. Fine, I said, don't. So I got the kitchen chores done and decided to go to my Mom's place with hubby. LO BEHOLD...The woman rises from her bed, gets ready in record time and is out of the door to park herself in the car, insisting that we take her to the temple.

Me: (couldn't stop giggling at the description)

Mrs F: I am telling you, she's just a big noisemaker. And I certainly cant deny going to temples when she insists, as otherwise I am subtly accused of being the outcast in the family and turning my husband in to a pariah!

Me: Hmm. So what do you want to do now? Have you discussed your miseries with Mr F?

Mrs F: I have. But seriously some of her antics are so quirky and weird that I have a hard time phrasing my side to make a comprehensible hearing for Mr F. I mean, she's just too weird and does all these crazy things that on second thoughts sound so silly.

Me: Well, at least the last one you told me sounds absolutely mad.

Mrs F: Oh, crap. Here I have her on the other line. I am sure she's calling to check when I will be home in the evening. Anyways, got to run sweetie. Ta ta.

And she cut me out to attend to her MIL. Although there were subsequent calls from Mrs F, I realised her problem was not about having to do kitchen chores or menial tasks, but it was to do with the fact that her MIL treated her differently (as versus the son or anyone else).

The next annoying bit for Mrs F was having to comply with all the religious make-beliefs of her MIL that were lathered upon. Being from another religion, every time she tried to drive across her point of view, she was easily the centre her MIL's pointy remarks. No self-respecting woman can endure that endlessly.

To be the Perfect Bride

There's a reality show on Star TV, called Perfect Bride. Now, I am a regular (almost regular) viewer of the show and I know how desperate the girls ..err, or I should say brides are on the show to get married to the handful of grooms. But all I end up feeling is sorry for the girls.

These girls are not only hypnotized by the show's glitz but cry their guts out to their parents (audiences) or whoever is nearby, simply to ensure that they are finally married off on the show. Of course, this also means the girl takes away the crown of 'Perfect Bride,' a title that the jury members (Malaika Arora Khan, Shekhar Suman and Amrita Rao) seem to take quite seriously.

Let's start with Shekhar Suman who makes sure that he gets the maximum time on show, and poses intelligent sounding questions like, "Aapke liye Perfect Bride ka kya matlab hai" (What does Perfect Bride mean to you) to one of the wannabe-brides. The bewildered girl replies with a smile stuck to her face, "I have come here to get married and I think ...(more smiles and signs of tears welling up) the chance of being able to live with my mother-in-law is an added bonus. Even if I don't win, I have got a new mother and a very good friend (camera zooms on to a boy she's attracted to)." Shekhar Suman applauds and smiles at Malaika and Amrita.

What do you make of such reality shows. I feel so sorry for the girls. Not that I am any authority on marriages, but I am just surprised at their naivety. They just don't know that marriage is more than a reality show. How a person behaves while a camera pans over his face is not how he would behave in real, normal life.

For instance, this fella Hitesh Chauhan (a strappy young man, who was wooing Pooja Tandon just 4 weeks back on the show, is now ready to settle with Rumpa Roy!) Why? In his own words, "Because I want to take home a "Perfect Bride." "

I totally freak out when 25-year-olds talk like babies and behave as if mentally damaged. Chauhan, who claimed that Tandon was the ONE for him switched gears so swiftly on the show, that even the lamest could see through his (and his mother's) crappy attitude. But Roy, now besotted with Chauhan and being the perfect bride, can see nothing more than winning the title and getting married to the man. WTF!

In the latest episode, Roy goes all out by defying her own mother. Poor lady is simply being a mother and why blame her? She's probably seen the show more attentively than any of us and recalls all the clandestine meetings between her daughter's present suitor and Tandon; please note that just 6 weeks before Ms Roy was floored by another contestant (she even dedicated an act to him) who eventually got voted out.

If only Indian marriages were build on such fickle show-offs, then we would all be at least once divorced.

Half here, half there

Ever wondered how we women, who call themselves modern sometimes think/act in ways that can only be classified as those of the older generation.

I think I am one of those -- who has one leg in the modern world and the other stuck firmly in traditions that are practiced by the older generation. I conveniently switch between the two worlds as and when it suits me, without realizing that I am being irrational and probably unfair to certain people around me.

The latest incident that brought me face to face with this situation was when I was visiting my in-laws and had to go to a local bazaar for some small shopping. Now, I consider myself as an independent working woman who knows how to make way in the big bad corporate world. So, why does it so happen that when I am in a crowded marketplace, I expect my husband to stay close to me so that he protects me from street creeps! I also expect him to watch out for me while we traverse the crowded lanes and not walk jauntily ahead of me. Why does that happen? I don't have an easy answer to that.

If I am independent woman (who has lived on her own in hostel for over 4 years), then why my husband has to keep a protective eye on me? How come I expect him to do that? The only answer that stares back at me is that I do think like my mother who expects (and gets) this attention from my father. And me and my mom are two different people with diverse sets of ambitions.

In another instance, I realized that after marriage I have begin to expect things from my partner, which were earlier easily done on my own. Like I always had a blast going shopping with my friends (window shopping, street side shopping and basically any type of shopping) but today, I just have to drag my lazy husband on these rounds. And as I write this post, I see that it has been such a futile exercise. Because, even if he tags along, his listless attitude does not help me in way. Result, he gives no opinion on my buys, definitely does not pick up my shopping bills (thankfully, here I don't expect him to pay) and is always scratching his head listlessly (another habit that irks me to no end). So, what good does it do to me to drag him along?

I try to think hard when did I change and exactly when did I get stuck in such old-fashioned thoughts of my husband being my protector in crowded lanes?

It's Diwali...so how many days?

"So, how many days for you," asked my friend to me. She's a newly married girl, settled in Mumbai with her husband. The question was to check with me the duration of my stay in my in-laws place for Diwali. (PS: She was dreading her first ever Diwali visit to her MIL who lives in another city.)

What was the rational of having that conversation? It's festival time and that's also a time for most married women, who live away from their mother/father-in-laws, to pay a visit and resume their roles as domesticated daughter-in-laws. No need to mention that it is also the time when you are required and obliged to forfeit your time off from work (that is, for women like me who live in Mumbai and travel to Delhi to visit family for Diwali) to invest it on your husband's family.

I am okay to do so. After all, I am told I have two mummies and two papas.

Okay....

So, why cant I spend time equally among the two?, I asked my mother. And her apologetic reply was, "Beta, they (referring to my in-laws) get the first preference...(a pause and then) plus, it's your duty."

I complained, "But Mom, if you are my mom and it's my vacation too (as is my husband's) then don't we get to spend equal time with both parents. Why the preferential treatment?" I have never really understood why one papa-mummy (like in-laws) get VIP treatment over the other.

She replies (making no sense to me), "This is not how it is done and you cant change things." The last bit of the sentence was when my mom got emotional and I could do nothing over the phone.

My parents, who have two daughters (me and my elder sister), have always driven into our heads that we are equal to other male cousins in our family, in every way. I chose my profession, married only when I figured the guy was right and take holidays only when I want to take time off from work.

My logic is simple - I am a working woman, earning and living my life just like my husband. We both leave home and come back at the same time. We both have job pressures and deadlines that eats up every bit of energy in us. So, when he takes a break to relax with his family, don't I get the same liberty. Or is it to be decided by society that I should spend X days here and X-1 days with my parents?

Luckily for me, my MIL (a working woman herself) seemed to understand my situation. Being a journalist (and also someone who has just recently taken 41 days off for a vacation), I ain't getting any Diwali holidays this year (this remains a fact) but I I do get the chance to work from my office in Delhi (which is also my parents home base).

Hearing about my lack of holidays, my MIL told me over phone, "It's all right. You can come for the main Diwali day (which is on weekend) and go back before Monday to resume your work." The big highlight of this conversation was that SHE UNDERSTOOD !

She understood that her daughter-in-law who's mad after her job, will not take days off to spend them idling in Bulandshehar (my in-laws home base). She understood that I place my job first and my parents second in my life and would be very reluctant to change positions for anyone. And boy, am I grateful to her that she understood.

I must admit that this feeling comes as a big relief, almost as if I knew if she hadn't said that then I would have spent long days fretting in Bulandshehar. I would have not stayed away from work for long in any case, but my MIL saying that its okay for me to stay over for just 2 nights during Diwali and then resume my work from Delhi made things much more amicable and definitely a lot more acceptable.

Change is inevitable

Men change and so do women, and I am talking about the event of marriage here. If you married a man through an arranged match (just like millions of Indian girls just like me) you would have begun to notice the slight (or not so slight) changes in your husband, loosely speaking. Speaking for myself, I entered the marriage as a coupling ceremony, which effectively is like saying goodbye to individuality and hello to being one half of my man.

But after 18 months of being married, all my theories about marriage have gone out of the window and practicality has begun to kick in -- hard. Just like this following data that I got from a random email forward:

Academics have found cohabiting couples are far more likely than those who are married to split housework evenly - but after the wedding they revert to stereotype, with the woman taking on the great majority of tasks.

The study argues that the effect holds true even in couples with a strongly egalitarian outlook before they are married, at which point women become less likely to fight for their rights.

As I read this mail, I realised that it was true in my case too. The first thought that zipped through my head was -- Yikes, the academics were right about me. So, is my marriage a text-book case? Eww...really!

When two people get married and perhaps live together for the first time (like I did with my husband), they wake up to the fact that there are many mundane chores to do around the house rather the home they cohabit. A woman will silently assign duties to herself and at the same time assigns duties to her husband. What she may not do however is communicate these expectations to her husband. She has realised her function in her new home and she expects her better half to have realised the same too. Well, atleast I did so.

So, the biggest change after an arranged marriage is usually adjusting to the fact that instead of each of us doing our own thing, we have another person in the house who had to be taken into account too. Instead of just caring for themselves, there is another being that had to be involved too. This can be a very stressful time for women like me, who like to involve themselves in everything, if the proper planning is not done.

Today, I have come to terms with the fact that my husband will not do as I direct every time. But I have had my small victories too. Hubby dear believes that he can continue to go out with the boys after work for a pint so that he can avoid the dreaded grocery shopping and more importantly paying for the huge grocery bills. But what he does not realise that the monthly grocery shoppings are still always done with him and it is only the smaller ones that get accomplished by his wife, when he is enjoying his peaceful Sunday afternoon watching sports or sleeping. Nonetheless, the wife (that's me) has taken over the headache of keeping a track of rations in the house after marriage, a big hassle that I had not bargained for before my marriage.

Recently, I met a male acquaintance who is about to be married. I asked him, if anything will change for him after marriage and he casually replied "No, why should it?," he came back. Why indeed. Now I can't wait to see him married, so that I can ask him the same question again.

I don't feel uncomfortable, anymore

If someone would have told me 3 weeks back that I would be writing this today I would have said they were nuts! But here I am in a strange position and I don't know what to make of it.

A quick flash back, in Mumbai or whenever I am in Delhi, (like many other) I too have been wary of the lecherous male eyes noting every step we take on the roads. A simple walk through in exercise shorts and a cotton vest draws a loadful of attention from every walking male member on the Indian roads, and not to forget the uninvited comments. While some may even argue that this is a part of desi man's "appreciation of beauty"; speaking for women like me, let me tell you that we really don't feel appreciated when men just stare at our body parts with drool dripping from their mouths.

That has been one reason, why I have restricted my clothes on several occasions, say when taking the public transport in Mumbai or Delhi. The silent fact that I can dress up as per my will only when accosted by male members of my family & friends and that too when we are using our own means of transport can be pretty jarring to live with in 21st century.

Today, as I vacation in HongKong, I realise how deeply the thought of dressing "right" has been ingrained in my mind. Each time I decide on a dress to wear out, I think twice whether its appropriate for a female tourist.

In my first week in HK, I dressed in my jeans and tight tops and ventured alone in local markets and voila, it drew no comments, no unwarranted stares, nothing. Relief!

In my second week, I experimented with my make-up using different styles in highlighting my eyes and face in order to compliment my dresses and skirts. Still no stares, not even a second more than a passing look from the locals (men and women). Double relief. Even the taxi drivers and bus drivers are courteous enough to look straight on to roads and not tilt the rear-view mirror to get a better peek at your dress or body.

In my third week, I went about (sometimes with my husband, sometimes alone) in shorts and tank tops, just as hundreds of other HK women and tourists. This time I did manage to draw some attention from HK males, but none of it made me uncomfortable.

I don't know if many would understand that a woman does know when a male stares at her appreciatively and when he is leching at her dress or body. The kind of stares I drew here in HK -- and I am speaking from experience as I have had my share of male ogling -- were inquisitive, and at times appreciative. Some might argue that I could haven't seen the real HK, as I am not ruling out male jerks in HK lanes too, but I can safely claim to have seen more than an average HK tourist after my 4 weeks of vacationing here.

I still do not understand the language, but I do read faces well. And I haven't seen a threatening male face that makes me uncomfortable about my body in a tight dress or for that inch more of my leg that shows through the slit of the skirt.

I had categorically made up in my mind that men all over are the same when it comes to leching. Somehow, I am forced to reconsider that opinion now as I spend my days in HK.


PS: This post has been written in bits and parts -- while sitting in Starbucks after my morning run in exercise shorts, some paras in a cafeteria in a pretty skirt, and last part in a park dressed up in slacks & shirt. Every time, I have been looked at by males (a few females too) it has not made my hair stand. I am finally getting comfortable in my choice of clothes

7 times richer...

I have concluded that women (to some extent male counterparts too) in Hong Kong can shop with a frenzy that is unmatched to what I have seen in India. Although this could be attributed to the fact that the city is presently hosting its annual sale & discounts seasons. Tourists, like me, gape in awe at all the HK shops while locals hound the shops after work.

One of my daily routines in HK is to get myself a Starbucks coffee, find a corner to sit and watch the upwardly mobile women folk rush to Central (the posh commercial district where international brands retail their wares) where along with tossing their husbands’ lifetime pensions into a shopping black hole, these women can see and be seen. Every time I see these women walking out with a clutch of bags in their hand, I cant help but sigh and sip some more of my Starbucks.

The mother lode of top-drawer brands in Hong Kong is the trio of Landmark, neighbouring Prince’s Building and the stylish Chater House where you can have your unhurried fill of Armani, Prada, Dior, Fendi, Louis Vuitton, Max & Co, Polo Ralph Lauren, Chanel, Celine, Ermenegildo Zegna, Escada, Gucci, Versace and so on.

Believe me the stores are not like anything we have back home. These are sprawling stores with umpteen wares to check out. The sales people are friendly enough to let you shop on your own and do not pester you with "May I help You", though they are are always in close proximity to assist you in your shopping.

Last evening when I shared this little observation with my hubby, he gave me this piece of gyaan.

Hubby: They would be spending more baba...you know an average HK household earns 7 times more than an Indian?

So, that was a logical explanation to my dilemma. And now every time I see a local woman with Prada, Gucci and Marks & Spencers bags in her hand, I quickly remind myself that she (or her household) is probably 7-times richer than I am. That helps in putting all my feelings in place.

PS: But only I could get my husband to buy me a Chanel bag and Prada shoes, I would never envy anyone again. GOD PLEASE!!!